Dear Blackbelt – I have a male friend that has developed a strong sexual attraction to me over the past 2 years of our 8-year friendship. He is supportive emotionally and I enjoy his company. He is a nice guy and gives me anything I desire, but I have no sexual desire for him as he openly does for me. There is flirtation between us, but I just can’t help letting him know that sex is not something I see in our future. I’m young and single so I feel as though sex with someone I have no desire for would only complicate this situation. Is it wrong of me to continue to reap the benefits of our friendship, where I am the main beneficiary, or is it okay for me to go on as is, being that I have laid everything out on the table?
The short answer…
No, it’s not wrong of you to continue being his friend. It’s his prerogative to keep hanging out with you/pursuing you if he wants, so there’s no reason to feel bad on that front. But The Blackbelt senses there’s a lot more to your situation than the moral dilemma posed in your question.
Choose your words wisely.
It would probably be wise to start off any conversation about your status as friends or otherwise with any words other than “laid out on the table.” If he’s like most guys and is only half listening, he may get the wrong idea and think you’re ready to get down to business right there in the restaurant in front of everybody.
He’s all ears.
Actually, in cases like this – he is listening to you, and he’s listening closely…maybe too closely. It’s called overanalyzing, and it’s something that we have all been guilty of during some romantic episode or another. You have to be as sensitive and considerate as possible to him right now.
It all may be as simple as this. If you 1. honestly care about him and don’t want to hurt his feelings, and 2. are absolutely positive that you do not want to add certain benefits to the situation – there’s only one direction for you to go: cut it out with the flirting, quit leading him on, and be straightforward about the fact that your friendship will never be anything other (don’t say “anything more” – that cheapens the concept of friendship) than just that. However, that being said…
Never say never!
You say that sex is not something you see in your future…but have you ever really asked yourself why not? The Blackbelt believes that it is never a good idea to let the reason that you don’t try something new or different be that you have never tried it before. He’s a nice guy. He treats you well. You say you are flirty towards him – does that mean you’re attracted to him? It sounds like you may very well be.
This is not to say that you should or shouldn’t take another step with him – that’s ultimately for you to decide. But who knows! You may realize that the man you’ve been waiting for was right there all along.
For answers to all your love and relationship questions, email The Blackbelt at: Blackbelt@socia